Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
You Might Also Like
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.