Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
won’t smith
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”