My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.