My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.