Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
This cat wants you to take your pills
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.