I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.