There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.