[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up