me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not