Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
And now we wait
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”