Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once