If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I saw nothing
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m not lazy
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…