When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
plant them where lol
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
oh you wanna fight?!
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste