Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.