Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Denise please return my vape pen
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.