Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .