Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.