Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.