There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.