Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
You Might Also Like
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment