Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried