I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”