What kind of a cult is this?
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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism