Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU