How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
The news
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids