Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.