When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
You Might Also Like
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Overindulged this afternoon.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train