“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?