General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.