On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Ovenable?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour