My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
describing stardew valley
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.