Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
i wish i could marry a nap
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Two types of dogs.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.