*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*