Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
it is time once again
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”