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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?