if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.