N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.