Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Pringles
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying