This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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Omg 🤣
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
eggs benadryl
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.