*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
You Might Also Like
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar