Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something