Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
beware of dog
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*