Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Cartman: Respect my
a a
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: