4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You Might Also Like
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The struggle is real
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT