my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I’m not lazy
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider