People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
You Might Also Like
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.