You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.