Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect