Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
groan^2
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I beg your pardon?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.