Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
the composer
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?